Just Me

 

One day way back in my life when I was nine years old I was carrying a very heavy burden. I was laying on my mom’s bed just crying my little heart out. I didn’t understand much about God at all but somewhere in the bottom of my heart I knew that God was the answer. And having nowhere else to go with my aching heart I went to him. I can’t remember what I prayed but it was just a weak and feeble prayer from a searching heart. After praying my burden lifted and I was so happy and free. I seemed to walk on air for a while and I told everyone that I had gotten saved. During the next 4 or 5 years I have very few memories. But through this time I did cling to God as he was my only hope. At 15 years of age I began to face things that I had never faced before and I guess I wasn’t prepared. I saw my dreams come crashing down before me and there was nothing that I could do. I totally broke. My heart was ripped in millions of pieces and I didn’t know how to cope. I pulled into myself and kind of shut myself off from the world. I would hardly talk to anyone and a good share of my time was spent in crying rivers of tears. I had no close friends that I could open my heart to so I suffered and cried alone. I thought that everyone hated me and I hated myself the most. I hated myself for hurting and crying. For being so stupid, yucky and ugly. And deep in my heart I wondered if God was big enough to carry me through. Was he really watching over me? I did have one friend that I opened my heart to a little and she always pointed me to Jesus and told me to trust God. I’ll be forever thankful to God for her. Because I was hurting so much I was often tempted to be bitter and angry. I knew that was wrong and I also knew that it was very, very ugly so I wanted nothing to do with it. I cried to God to keep me from it and praise His wonderful name, He did!! This state of things continued for two years and then my daddy had a heart attack. As we were waiting for the ambulance to come we were of course praying. I remember telling God that he simply couldn’t take my dad because we needed him. The thought of him dying and being gone forever hardly even crossed my mind. But God had other plans. As we sat in the emergency waiting room I heard someone say, “They say they can’t save him.” A wave of horror struck through my heart and I prayed frantically that God would save him. I didn’t realize that he was already gone. I went home that night a little 17 year old girl without a dad forever. After the shock wore off I cried a lot. It seemed that my very foundation was taken out from under me, so I held even tighter to God. And He held me up and sustained me. Sometime in the next year I began to feel very condemned before God. I heard a lot about the awfulness of sin and about how holy God was and it left me feeling without hope. I felt very far from him and could hardly pray at all. I could see God as a righteous, holy God, and me as a wretched low-down sinner and there seemed to be a great gulf fixed between us. I felt too dirty to come into the presence of God. But whenever I would hear about the love of Jesus my heart would melt within me and I would cry oceans of tears. His love was so beautiful, so amazing and it looked so inviting. I know now that Jesus was holding his arms open wide and begging me to come to Him. But I, in my foolishness was too afraid.

 

 

I was running from Him because I thought that He was a hard master and I was not comfortable letting go of my life. Things continued like this for some months. Then in Nov. of 2003 some of us went to some special meetings where Keith Daniel was speaking. After the meeting we talked to Keith a little bit and made him to understand that we were struggling. I can’t remember much of what was said but I remember thinking at the time that what he said was not what we needed. But as always, God knew best, and a seed was planted in my heart that grew and came to life!! After we were home I was praying one day and my heart was suddenly overwhelmed with the love of God. I saw myself again as a wretched sinner and God was just as big and holy as he had ever been but this time Jesus was between us and His arms were wide open for me. He was the bridge that would take me to God. I was forgiven because of Jesus Christ and His blood was my only plea. I was washed whiter than snow only because of Him. My heart was totally melted and my fear went away. I was overwhelmed by His wonderful love. I knew that I could come to God with boldness because Jesus paid the price for my sin. Oh wonderful, amazing love!! I became a new person and suddenly all my hurt and broken heart just didn’t matter anymore. I was no longer the quiet girl who wouldn’t talk. I was free. For the first time in my life I could totally trust God and I knew that He was worthy to be trusted. He was not going to let me down! I wasn’t condemned anymore and I could freely open my heart to Him. Hallelujah, isn’t He wonderful!?

 Life continues to go on and I have faced many hard things and though my faith was shaken once again and I wondered if God knew what he was doing I just gave Him my shattered heart and He lifted me up out of those dark and swirling waters. So, the conclusion to all of this? Well, God is always there and He is always faithful. I can never tell you enough how wonderful he is to me. He never lets me down and He knows how to take care of me. He gives me peace and joy and freedom beyond compare. When I look into the future and it looks so dark and I am so afraid He lets me know though His word that He’ll never let me down. He comforts all my fears and helps me to smile when my heart is bleeding. He’s with me all the time and when my heart is overwhelmed I go to Him and pour it all out to Him. He is worthy to be trusted. He is wonderful, totally awesome!! All I can say is hallelujah for such a wonderful Saviour!!


                                                 ~Angela